Act on your feelings!

http://www.sockandawe.com

click on this website and express your feelings in 2008 end before Mr.Obama takes over!

Magic from Japan!

 

Hope you all have a great time.

 

 

 http://www.youmaker.com/video/sv?id=51485816d3124842bc22d463af60dc51001&f=fs

 

ISM’s and Nations….and corporations!

       SOCIALISM:
       You have 2 cows.
       You give one to your neighbor.
      COMMUNISM:
      You have 2 cows.
      The State takes both and gives you some milk.
      FASCISM:
     You have 2 cows.
     The State takes both and sells you some milk.
      NAZISM:
     You have 2 cows.
     The State takes both and shoots you.
     BUREAUCRATISM:
     You have 2 cows.
     The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws 
     the milk away…
     TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
     You have two cows.
      You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and    the    economy  grows.You sell them and retire on the income.
     AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
 You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
 Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
 A FRENCH CORPORATION:
 You have two cows.
 You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
 want three cows.
  A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
  You have two cows.
  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary    cow  and produce twenty times the milk.
 You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and
 market it worldwide.
 A GERMAN CORPORATION:
 You have two cows.
 You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
 and milk themselves.
 AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
  You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
  You decide to have lunch.
  A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
  You have two cows.
   You count them and learn you have five cows.
   You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
   You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
   You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

   A CHINESE CORPORATION:
   You have two cows.
   You have 100 people milking them.
   You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine   productivity.
 You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
  AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
  You have two cows.
  You worship them.
  A BRITISH CORPORATION:
  You have two cows.
   Both are mad.
   AN IRAQI CORPORATION:
   Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
   You tell them that you have none.
   No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade 
   your country.
   You still have no cows, but world think now you are part of
   Democracy.

Then the fight started! ….Happy New year

 
 My wife sat down on  the couch next to me as I was flipping
 channels. She  asked, ‘What’s on TV?

‘I said, ’Dust.’And then the fight started.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’I bought her a scale.And then the fight  started.

———— ———   ———- ———– ————– ———-

 When I got home last night, my wife demanded  that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to  a gas station.And then the fight started..

.———— ——— ——— ———  —————– ——-

After retiring, I went to the Social Security  office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind  the counter asked me for my
driver’s license to verify  my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left  my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very  sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I  opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She  said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough  for me’ and she processed my Social Security  application.When I got home, I excitedly told  my wife about my experience at the Social Security  office.She said, ‘You should have dropped your  pants. You might have gotten disability too.’And then the fight started…

———-  ——– ———  ———- ——– ——— ——-

 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high  school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady  swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asked, ‘Do you know her? ”Yes,’  I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she  took to drinking right after we split up those many  years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”My God!’ says my wife, ’who would think a  person could go on celebrating that long?’And  then the fight started…
——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.”I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare,  please.”He said, ”Aren’t you worried about the  mad cow?”"Nah, she can order for herself.”And then the fight started.

——– ——— ———- ——– ——–  ———- ———- 

A  woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,’I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.I really need you to pay me a compliment.’The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near  perfect.’And then the fight started..

———– ——- ——— ———  ———– ———- ———

I  tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light  for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold  cream for $7.95.I told her the beer would make  her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started. 

—– ——-  ——–   ——– ——- ——  ———— ——

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her  butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.

——– —— ————- ————— ————- ——–

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a  loud noise came from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ’Holy crap. That must be my husband!’So the man  jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a  thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.A few  minutes later he returned and went up to  the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your  husband!’The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why  were you running?’And then the fight  started.

 ——–  ——— ——— ——— ——— —-

Saturday morning,  I got up early, quietly  dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped  quietly into the garage.I hooked up the boat up  to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50  mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the  radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all  day.I went back into the house, quietly  undressed, and slipped back into bed.I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’My loving wife of 10 years replied, ’Can you  believe my stupid husband is out fishing in
that?’And then the fight started

.———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-

I asked my wife, ”Where do you  want to go for our anniversary? “It warmed my  heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
 ”Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.So Isuggested, “How about the kitchen?”And that’s when the fight started.

.———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A  Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and  said, “Do you want to have
 sex?”"No,” she  answered.I then said, ”Is that your final  answer?”She didn’t even look at me this time,  simply saying “Yes.”So I said, “Then I’d like  to phone a friend.”And that’s when the fight  started.

HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR__________________________

 

am sleeping ?

am sleeping ?

One of my friends wrote this after the Mumbai attacks….so true…….
I will, again, sleep peacefully in my bed tonight also.

I slept when Kanishka was blown up. I slept when Hindus killed Muslims, when Muslims killed Hindus – regardless of age, gender or region. I slept when Sikhs were gutted and killed. I slept when Kashmir burnt. I slept when a plane full of passengers and crew was taken to Kandahar . I slept when Biharis were targeted. And so will I sleep tonight when Mumbai once again burns. I am an Indian. I sleep.

My country has been taken hostage not by terrorists. No, not by terrorists, but by people within it – ruling it. My country and my countrymen are held hostage and captive by its incompetent, uneducated, dishonest, exploitative, impotent, inefficient politicians, government and all its administrative departments.

Efficiency is shown in bribing and in buying votes and seats, competence in bringing down other parties, expertise in bringing discord and playing divisive politics.

Regionalism has reared its ugly head because I am sleeping. Reservation is still strongly advocated because I am sleeping. Corruption is deep – rooted because I am sleeping.

Raj Thackeray targets poor, unarmed Biharis but sits snugly under tight security when terrorists strike. A well published writer endorses Thackeray’s dastardly action but shuts up when Mumbai is blown apart. It is easy to hound the poor labourer from Bihar than it is to raise your finger leave alone your voice against the organized terrorist. Crime and lawlessness are second nature. Criminals go free, breathing easy under a distorted system that protects their rights, whereas a Pragya is tortured, Sanjay Dutt is not left in peace.

Every politician looks out for himself and himself alone. We have a defense ministry which defends only itself when it is found sleeping. And they are sleeping because I am sleeping. When I do rouse myself it is only for myself – to target the neighbor’s dog because his nocturnal barking is disturbing my beauty sleep. No, a hundred barking dogs cannot wake me.

Criminals are made ministers because I sleep. Rapists go free when an eighty year old is penalized for smoking! Smoking is banned, bombs are allowed.

I do not fear the terrorist from across the border. I fear the terrorist lurking within the country who wears khadi and who always comes in the guise of the unqualified politician, begging at my door with folded hands, a hypocritical smile on his smug face asking for my vote.

Who do I vote for? The rapist or the religious fanatic? The murderer or the underworld don? Which honorable criminal is worthy of my esteemed vote?

My heart bleeds but I will sleep on my soft mattress under my warm blanket. I am the long suffering, resilient Indian who has somehow lost his identity among Biharis, Marathis, Kannadigas, Muslims, Hindus, Christians, Brahmins,  the list is endless.

Regards,

AN INDIAN

 

 

Read in English but Gujarati Joke!

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh summons the secretary and asks him “How come this Gujaratis know everything before anyone else knows about it” Secretary: There is a phrase in Gujarati “Su Khabar”    Manmohan Singh: What does that mean?   Secretary: It means “Whats the news” and each Gujjubhai asks this to other whenever they meet and the answers given by the other one circulates the news very fast and they happen to know everything the fastest.   PM decides to experience this so he removes his turban and has a clean shave and nice hair cut and dresses typically like a Gujrarati and reaches Ghatkopar the typical Gujju hub of Mumbai city.     He sees one Gujjubhai and asks him “Su Khabar”   The Gujjubhai replies “Sallo Manmohanio Ghatkopar ma aavyo chhe em sambhaliu chhe”

2009 Contract!

 

2009 Contract     After serious & cautious consideration . . . Your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2009! It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!! My Wish for You in 2009 May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words . . . May 2009 be the best year of your life!!! Lots of love,

You will love this movie

Follow this link and find out about the program and timings in your area. http://www.pbs.org/thestoryofindia/

Buy one get one free!

Jest So By Thommy

Body Statistics !

 

Body Statistics
 
·       It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
·       One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
·       The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
·       Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
·       A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
·       There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
·       Women blink twice as often as men.
·       The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
·       Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
·       If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
·       Women reading this will be finished now.
·       Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.and checking who is looking at their thumbs.