આજની જોક

એક કલ્પના 

   રબડીદેવી સ્વર્ગે સીધાવ્યાં – લલ્લુજીને બીહારમા કે દીલ્હીમાં જ રાખીને. એમણે યમરાજાની ઓફીસમાં, દીવાલ ઉપર ઘણાં બધાં મીટરો લટકાવેલાં જોયાં.  એમને કુતુહલ થયું, કે આટલાં બધાં મીટરો કેમ રાખ્યાં છે? એમણે યમરાજાને પુછ્યું.

યમરાજા – કોઈ જણ જુઠ્ઠું બોલે તો આ મીટરનો કાંટો એક આંકડો આગળ ખસે છે.

એક મીટરનો કાંટો શુન્ય ઉપર હતો. રબડીદેવીએ પુછ્યુ,” આ કોનું મીટર છે?”

યમરાજા – ગૌતમ બુધ્ધનું.

બીજાનો કાંટો બે ઉપર હતો.રબડીદેવીએ પુછ્યુ,” આ કોનું મીટર છે?”

યમરાજા - ગાંધીજીનું. 

ત્રીજાનો કાંટો 25 ઉપર હતો. રબડીદેવીએ પુછ્યુ,” આ કોનું મીટર છે?”

યમરાજા - હર્ષદ મહેતાનું. 

હવે રબડીદેવીને ચટપટી થઈ. એમણે પુછ્યુ,” મારા લલ્લુનું મીટર ક્યાં છે?”  

બોલો યમરાજાએ શો જવાબ આપ્યો હશે?

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” એ તો મારી ઓફીસમાં રાખ્યું છે. સીલીંગ ફેન તરીકે સરસ કામ આપે છે!  

Would you marry me?

 

 

(Mahendra Shah is an entrepreneur by profession, architect by education, and cartoonist & artist by hobby. His website is www.ameamericanamdavadi.com. )
His work is published in Lokvani of New England.

New ABCD…..

  New  Alphabet  

A  is  for apple, and  B  is  for boat,

That used to be right, but now it  won’t float!

Age before beauty is what we  once said, But

let’s be a bit more realistic  instead. 

 Now

The   Alphabet

A’s  for arthritis;

B’s  the bad back,

C’s  the chest pains,

Perhaps car-d-iac?  

D  is  for dental decay and decline,

E  is for eyesight, can’t read that

top line!

F  is for fissures and fluid

retention,

G  is for gas which We’d rather

not mention.  

H  .. High blood pressure–We’d

rather it  low;

I  .. For incisions with scars you

can show.

J  is for joints, out of socket,

won’t mend,

K  is for knees that crack when

they bend.  

L  ’s for libido, what happened to

sex?

M  is for memory, We forget what

comes next.

N  is neuralgia, in nerves way

down low;

O  is for osteo, bones that don’t

grow!  


P  for prescriptions, We have

quite a few,

Just give us a pill and  We’ll be

good as new!

Q  is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R  is for reflux, one meal turns to

two.  

S  is  for sleepless nights,

counting our fears,

T  is for Tinnitus; bells in our

ears!

U  is for urinary; troubles with

flow;

V  for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you

know.  

W  for worry, NOW what’s going

’round?

X  is for X ray, and what might be

found.

Y  for another year We are left

here behind,

Z  is for zest WE still have– in

OUR minds.  

We’ve  survived all the symptoms,

our body’s deployed, and

We’re keeping  twenty-six doctors

fully employed!!! 
    
    
       IF  YOU ARE OLD, HAVE  A  

GREAT DAY, IF NOT YOUR TURN

WILL COME!

આજની જોક

વાત પહોંચાડવાના રસ્તા 

1. ટેલીફોન
2. ટેલીવીઝન
3. સ્ત્રીને કહો ( ટેલ એ વુમન) 
4. હજુ વધારે ઝડપી – સ્ત્રીને કહો કે કોઈને કહેવાનું નથી…   

——————— 

Three FAST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER – Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

English and its Rules!

You ever wanted to go crazy with the English language, Read This. with all it’s inconsistencies, I’m amazed that anyone can speak it properly at all.  Imagine a foreigner trying to figure it out!

 Think English is Easy ?
Can you read these correctly the first time?1) The bandage was  wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce. refuse 

 

 

 

3) The dump was so full that it had to 

more  refuse.

4) We must  polish the  Polish furniture.5) He could  lead if he would get the  lead  out. desert his dessert in

 

6) The soldier decided to

the desert. 
 
7) Since there is no time like the  present, he

thought it was time to present the  present .

A  bass was painted on the head of the  bass 

 drum. dove  dove into the bushes.

9) When shot at, the 

10) I did not  object to the  object.

11) The insurance was  invalid for the  invalid.

12) There was a  row among the oarsmen about

how to  row.

13) They were too  close to the door to  close it. does  funny things, when the 

14) The buck 

 does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a 

 sewer line. 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his 

sow to sow.

17) The  wind was too strong to  wind the sail. tear in the painting, I shed

18) Upon seeing the 

a  tear.

19) I had to  subject  the  subject  to a series of

tests. intimate this to my most  

20) How can I 

intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. 

 

There is no egg in eggplant, nor

ham in hamburger; neither apple

nor pine in pineapple.  English

muffins weren’t invented in 

England ; or French fries

in France .  Sweetmeats are

candies; while sweetbreads, which

aren’t sweet, are meat. 

We take English for granted.  But,

if we explore its paradoxes, we

find that quicksand can work

slowly, boxing rings are square;

and a guinea pig is neither

from Guinea , nor is it a pig.

And, why is it that writers

write but, fingers don’t fing;

grocers don’t groce. and hammers

don’t ham? 

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why

isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? 

One goose, 2 geese.  So - one

moose, 2 meese?  One index,

2indices? 

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can

make amends, but not one

amend?  If you have a bunch of

odds and ends, and get rid of all –

but one of them, what do you call

it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t

preachers praught?  If a vegetarian

eats vegetables, what does a

humanitarian eat? 

Sometimes, I think all the

English speakers should be

committed to an asylum for the

verbally insane.  In what

language do people recite at a

play, and play at a recital?  Ship by

truck and send cargo by ship? 

Have noses that run, and feet that

smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat

chance be the same; while a wise

man and a wise guy are

opposites?  You have to marvel at

the unique lunacy of a language in

which your house can burn up, as

it burns down; in which you fill in

a form by filling it out; and in

which, an alarm goes off by going

on.

English was invented by people,

not computers, and it reflects the

creativity of the human race,

which, of course, is not a race at

all.

P.S. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme

with ‘quick’?

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Laloo Prasad in the news! – Jayesh Patel

 Jokes about Laloo Yadav

Rabri Devi died and went to heaven (Don’t Laugh). As she stood in front of yamraj , she saw a huge wall of clocks behind.
She asked, “What are all those clocks?”
Yamraj answered, “Those are LieCloks. Everyone on Earth has a LieClock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said Rabri, “Who’s clock is that?” That’s Gautam Buddha’s. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie.
“And whose clock is that?” That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life.”

Rabri asked, “Where’s my Laloo’s clock?”

“Laloo’s clock is in my office”, replied yamraj, “I’m using it as a ceiling fan.

 

---

Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the  security guard told Laloo “WAIT PLEASE” for which Laloo replied “65Kgs” and moved on…

---

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference  between Bihar and Las Vegas..So he called up the Tourist  department and asked them “Ji..could you tell me the time  difference between Patna and Las Begas…”.
The man at  the other end  replies “One second sir…” and  Laloo immediately replies “thank you” and puts the phone down.

---

Laloos family planning policy..”DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO  CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR”

---

After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION !!
Laloo, third from left!

---

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he_d been working on for quite sometime, Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. “It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT”, Laloo brags.
“FIVE MONTHS? THAT_S TOO LONG”, the friend exclaims.
“YOU ARE A FOOL”. Laloo replies. “SEE THIS NOTE, IT READS – FOR 4-7YRS”.

---

     At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo’s left tells the bartender, “JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE.” And the man’s companion says, “JACK DANIELS, SINGLE.”
     The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, “AND YOU, SIR?” Laloo  replies: “LALOO YADAV, MARRIED.”

---

     Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese  Delegation for Business Development to Bihar.
     The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with  Bihar and  he stated,  “Bihar is an excellent state.  Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan.”
     Laloo was very surprised. “You Japanese are very inepicient,” he stated. “Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!”

Little Johnny did again!

Little Johnny’s at it again…… A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’

Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  ‘Yes,’ said the policeman.’The detectives want very badly to capture him.’  

Little Johnny asked,’Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ?’

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,’Dad, why are you doing that?’   His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.  

Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.’ 

Bank

A bank is a place
where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Like Indian Giver!

Who gave the ride?

This happened about a month ago near Lonavala.  A guy was driving from Bombay to Pune and decided not to take the new expressway as he wanted to see the scenery along the old road.
The inevitable happens and when he reached the mountains his car breaks down – he’s stranded miles from nowhere.  Having no choice he started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town.It was dark and rainy. And pretty soon he got wet and Shivering. The night rolled on and no car passed by.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It slowed and then stops next to him – without thinking the guy opened the door and jumps in.  Seated in the back, he leaned forward to thank the person who had saved him. He realizes there is nobody behind the wheel
Even though there’s no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn’t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time  they are before a curv and moves the steering wheel just enough to get  the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It’s a small town.
He stumbles into a restuarant, and asks for a drink, and breaks down. Then he starts talking about the horrible experience he’s just been through.
There is dead silence in the restuarant when he stops talking …..
And that is  when Santa and Banta Singh walk in.

Santa points and says,”Look Banta – that’s the idiot who got into our car when we were pushing it.”