Stop worrying about others!

The Pastor’s Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was way too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

Some of the comment!

When Insults Had Class

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
– Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time
reading it.”
– Moses Hadas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring
a friend…. if you have one.”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there
is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing
trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
– Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
– Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge.”
– Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
– James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
– Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
– Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?”
– Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support
rather than illumination.”
– Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder

Wise old indian Chief!

 

Wise Old Indian Chief

 Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two U.S. 
Government officials sent by the President to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles” asked one official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years.  You’ve seen his wars and his technological
advances.  You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement.    

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”  

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied .  “When white man found the land,
Indians were running it.  No taxes,  No debt,  Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver,  Women did all the work,  Medicine man free,  Indian
man spent all day hunting and fishing,  All night having sex.   

Then the chief leaned back and smiled . 

“Only white man  dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

What is the answer?

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says,”Thank you”, and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, ” Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Men are just happier people!

 

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

 

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Booger and Fish Head.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

· The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it … and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Game of the Doller bill !

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you.’

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber.  ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son!  May I ask yo u a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!’

આજનું કાર્ટુન

હેલોવીન સ્પેશીયલ …. 

તમે જીવન ગુજારા માટે શું કરો છો? 

• હું વેબ ડીઝાઈનર છું !!

—————————

અમેરીકાની બહારના વાચકોની જાણ સારુ : -

આજે હેલોવીનનો તહેવાર છે. અમેરીકામાં ઓક્ટોબર મહીનાના અંતમાં ઉજવાતો આ તહેવાર ખાસ કરીને  બાળકોનો તહેવાર છે. એમાં બાળકોને ભયંકરતાથી માહેર અને ભયમુક્ત કરવાનો મુખ્ય ઉદ્દેશ હોય છે. આ દીવસથી બે ત્રણ અઠવાડીયાં અગાઉ , ઘણી બધી જગ્યાઓએ  ભુત, પ્રેત, હાડપીંજરો, ડાકણો, ચામાચીડીયા, કરોળીયા અને તેમનાં જાળાં વી. પ્રદર્શીત કરવામાં આવે છે .  

આજની જોક

હું જન્મ્યો ત્યારે તો બહુ બુધ્ધીશાળી હતો.
પણ શીક્ષણને કારણે પાયમાલ બની ગયો. 

——————— 

I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

Gujarati Girl – Any female needs to be like Gujarati!

      Gujarati girls…

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their New wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from New Delhi, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and House cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Bombay. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Gujarati girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Gotta love them Gujarati Girls…..

 

Old age

 

An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor said, ‘George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?’

George replied, ‘God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! Thelight goes off.’

‘Wow, that’s incredible,’ the doctor said.

A little later in the day, the doctor called George’s wife.

‘Ethel,’ he said, ‘George is doing fine, But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his

relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night to go to the bathroom that, poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done,poof! The light goes off?’

‘Oh, my Lord!’ Ethel exclaimed, ‘He’s peeing in the

refrigerator again!’