Marriage Part II – Funny …

 

 

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.

That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

Henry Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”

Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”

 Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,

                                                                        2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Milton Berle

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

 

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Anonymous

 

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Marriage means….

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant  with friends.*  You order what you want, and then when you see  what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.*  ———— ——— ——— ——— ———  Man: Is there any way for long life?  Dr: Get married.  Man: Will it help?  Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.  ———— ——— ——— ——— ———  ——— ———  Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?  It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands  before the fight begins!  ———— ——— ——— ——— ———  ——— ———  Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?  Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking  about something you  say.  After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish.  ———— ——— ——— ——— ———  There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster  than electronic  banking. It’s called marriage  ———— ——— ——— ——— ———   Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or  cremated? Man: Don’t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the  ash. ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– Prospective husband: Do you have a book called ‘Man,  The Master of Women’?  Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, SIR  ———— ——— ——— ——— ———  ——— ———  There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so  much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he  is going thru hell.  ———— ——— ——— ——— ———  ——— ——— Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!  ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— Q: Why doesn’t law permit a man to marry a second woman?  A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the  same offence!

David and His Top 10…..

No matter what your party is this is funny   Check out Cool Anu: Top 10 George W Bush Moments   Click here: Cool Anu: Top 10 George W Bush Moments __,_._,___

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Marriage – be one from two without loosing you !

 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 1 0

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..<

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
– Ricky, age 10

Dead Cow!

Sardarji: I have a cow for you for just R500!?

Patelbhai.Patelbhai: I’ll take it,? you can bring it to me tomorrow, here is the money.

The next day: ‘Sorry Patelbhai, but the cow died last night.”Oh.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back”

‘Sorry Bhaia, I already spend that money.’

”So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow.’

So, SardarjI brought the dead cow to Patel the next morning.

A few weeks later,..

Sardarji bumped into Patel and asked him what he did with the dead cow:

‘You won’t believe it Sardarji ! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R : 5  each!

I made a profit of R850!

 But, I didn’t tell anyone the cow was dead..

”Yoh!

 And the people didn’t complain?’

‘Eish! Only the guy who won!?

 So, I gave him back his R: 5 and he was happy!

Patel is now Minister of Finance in Gujarat.

 

Sardar’s Parontha

A Gujrati, a Madrasi and a sardaar were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were having lunch and Gujju opened his lunch box & said, ‘Dhokla ! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’

The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Idli Sambhar again! If I get idli sambhar one more time I’m going to jump off too.’

The sardaar opened his lunch and said, ‘Parontha again! If I get a parontha one more time, I’m jumping  too.’

The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his death.

The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idli sambhar, and jumped, too…

The sardaar opened his lunch, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, Gujju’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!’

The Madrasi’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him dossa! I didn’t realize he hated idli sambhar so much.’

Everyone turned and stared at the sardaar’s wife.

sardaar’s wife said, ’Don’t look at me. He made his own lunch.’

 

 

You are right, Son!

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
 

 ”You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !”, the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
 
 
“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing …. And…”
 
 
…pausing to take another drink of beer…. The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you – arrogant little shit – what are you doing for the next generation?”

How to get rich?

HAVE FAITH IN YOUR FAITH & DOUBT YOUR DOUBTS

 

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London . 
  
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day. 
   
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, 
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. 
  
Habib says to Parvinder ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how do 
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?’ 
  
Parvinder says, ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’? 

Habib’s sign reads ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’. 
  
Parvinder says ‘No wonder you only get £2- £3.

 Habib says… ‘So what does your sign say’? 
  
Parvinder shows Habib his sign…. 
  
It reads, ‘I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan ‘.
 

Lipstick in School – Priceless

You’ve got to love this School Principal
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Priceless!
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers….and then there are educators