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Entries from June 2008

Interviewer and Rameswar Kulkarni…..

June 29, 2008 · 1 Comment

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication
engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had
never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an
admission into it ..
What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in
12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college.
But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I can not
invest so much of money”.(The baap actually said – “I
will never waste so much of money on you”). So I had to join this
college. Frankly speaking this name – BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most
be
related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete
your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But
you know, these cricket matches and football
world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate.
So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took
4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I
will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good,
thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think
they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be
banned.

Candidate: No, no… I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never
thought I would complete it. In fact, when i
flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus
corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’
education itself was so much of pain!

Interviewer: Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms
have you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my
current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform
then. As you can see I have
experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in
Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet
in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a
higher version than VB. I heard very soon they
are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is – most of the
times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently, I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd.
Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining
BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know
Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to
dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And
very important – I know few words like -
‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hotfixes’,
‘SEI-CMM’,'quality’,'versioncontrol’,'deadlines’ , ‘Customer
Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not
have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear
t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so
as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer
US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is Olympics
coming up in
China in the current year, I don’t mind
going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t
have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to
INFOSYS..

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in
the HRD of Infosys.

Categories: English

Any New approch for Marketing!—-East or West For mankind

June 28, 2008 · 2 Comments


 A Professor at one of the IIMs
was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:


1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich.
“Marry me!” – That’s Direct Marketing”



2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: “He’s very rich.
“Marry him.” -That’s Advertising”



3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich.
“Marry me – That’s Telemarketing”




4. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you
walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and
then say:”By the way, I’m rich. Will you
“Marry Me?” – That’s Public Relations”







5. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:”You are very rich!
“Can you marry ! me?” – That’s Brand Recognition”




6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. –
“That’s Customer Feedback”




7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she
introduces you to her husband. –
“That’s demand and supply gap”




8. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” and she
goes with him –
“That’s competition eating into your market share”


9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your
wife arrives. –
“That’s restriction for entering new markets

 

Categories: English

Notice in English — IN our Gujarat!

June 27, 2008 · Leave a Comment

In an Ahmedabad Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.

In a Surat hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In the elevator in Hotel Tex Pallazo, Surat :
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Baroda hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Jamnagar :
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Ahmedabad hotel near Gujarat College  
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:  
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Bhavnagar hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Anand laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a heritage hotel at Junagadh:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in Rann of Kutch :
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In the office of a Ahmedabad gynecologist:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Bharuch hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


Categories: English

Relation In and Out of India

June 22, 2008 · 2 Comments

 

 

 

*Mother-in-law

A woman capable of making your life miserable.

A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free ?

*Husband

A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders

you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.

Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the

house needs to be vacuumed.

*Friend

A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and

you’ll always be welcome.

A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.

*Wife

A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.

A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath. 

*Son

A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.

A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start

mowing the lawn.

*Daughter

A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.

A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.

 

*Father

A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed .

A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your

college tuition.

*Indian Engineer

A person with a respectable job and earning lots.

A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.

*Doctor

A respectable person with OK income.

A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called

‘doctor’s wife’.

Categories: English

Court and Attorney

June 2, 2008 · 3 Comments

 

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:    He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:    My name is Susan!

______________________ ________________

ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:     We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:     We do.

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:      Uh, he’s twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:     Are you shittin’ me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:   Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?

WITNESS:      None.

ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?

WITNESS :     Are you shittin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS    By death.

ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:     Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

 

 

 

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:     Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:      Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNE SS:      No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:      Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:      No..

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Categories: English

Real Story!

June 2, 2008 · Leave a Comment

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his
girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been
gone, and it’s not fair to either of us.

I’m sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky……. …….

*******

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In
addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of
the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in
that envelope…. along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.


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Categories: English

English..ha ha ha Esq !

June 2, 2008 · Leave a Comment

ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:       I forget.

ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Categories: 1