LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim

suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she

immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now

considered her mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news andThe

good news is you are being discharged; since you were able to rationally

respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another you have a

sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom

with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s

dead.

“Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I hung him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?”

Something to think about…

Something to think about… 

There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet, the second richest man who had donated $31 billion to charity Here are some very interesting aspects of his life:

1.     He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets that he started too late!

2.     He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering newspapers.

3.     He still lives in the same small 3-bedroom house in mid-town Omaha that he bought after he got married 50 years ago.  He says that he has everything he needs in that house.  His house does not have a wall or a fence.

4.     He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver or security people around him.

5.     He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world’s largest private jet company.

6.     His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies.  He writes only one letter each year to the CEOs of these companies, giving them goals for the year.  He never holds meetings or calls them on a regular basis.  He has given his CEO’s only two rules:

Rule number 1:  Do not lose any of your shareholder’s money.    

Rule number 2:  Do not forget rule number 1.

7.     He does not socialize with the high society crowd.  His pastime after he gets home is to make himself some popcorn and watch television.

8.     Bill Gates, the world’s richest man met him for the first time only 5 years ago.  Bill Gates did not think he had anything in common with Warren Buffet.  So he had scheduled his meeting only for half hour.  But when Gates met him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and Bill Gates became a devotee of Warren Buffet.

9.     Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a computer on his desk.

  His advice to young people:  “Stay away from credit cards and invest in yourself and remember:

A.      Money doesn’t create man but it is the man who created money.

B.    Live your life as simple as you are.

C.   Don’t do what others say, just listen to them, but do what you feel is good.

D.   Don’t go on brand names; just wear those things in which you feel comfortable.

E.    Don’t waste your money on unnecessary things.

F.    After all it’s your life so why give others the chance to rule your life.”

LITTLE JOHNNIE IS AT IT AGAIN!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by  saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a  few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see  you standing there all by yourself!”

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothedcold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself  beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream  with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention  in class. She called on him and said,

 ”Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of  the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture  and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. “Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

 Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

 He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his  hands up  and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and  in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think th UPS guy wants to buy my mom!!!

The Pope and the Rabbi

 Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave ItalyThere was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.  He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.  If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy . If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged,but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate.  However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a ”silent” debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other.  The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
Next…the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten… that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy 
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
 I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue.
Meanwhile..the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe. “Howdid you win the debate?” they asked“I haven’t a clue,” said Moshe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger!
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him we’re staying right here.”
 ”And then what?” asked a woman.
 “Who knows? ” said Moshe, “He took out his lunch. So I took out mine”.

HA..HA…HA.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the Kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over.Nobody was home!

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.

“My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

Worth a Smile !!

After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an “A” for the
exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 25year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neitherlegal, nor logical.”

ચુનીલાલ માસ્તર

ચુનીલાલ સાહેબ ભણાવતા, તે ઉચા અને પહોળા તેથી બાળકો ગભરાતા.

ચુનીલાલ

આગળ અને પાછળથી સરખું વંચાય એવું વાક્ય કે શબ્દ  બોલો. દા.ત. ‘ જા રે બાબા બારેજા. ‘

મહેન્દ્ર

નવજીવન

સુરેશ

લીમડી ગામે ગાડી મલી.

ચુનીલાલ

રાજેન્દ્ર, હવે તારો વારો!

રાજેન્દ્ર   ગભરાયો.  મગજમા કઈં સુ઼ઝે જ નહીં

ચુનીલાલ

ગભરાયા વગર લખે છે, તો બોલવામાં શું તકલીફ છે?

રાજેન્દ્ર

સાહેબ મને મારશો તેની બીક લાગે  છે.

ચુનીલાલ

બોલ તો ખરો.

રાજેન્દ્ર  દોડીને કલાસની બહાર ગયો ને મોટેથી બોલ્યો -

સાંભળવુ જ છેને!   જો ચુનીઆ નીચુ જો.

ને મુઠીઓ બાંધીને ભાગ્યો ! .     

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY!

If you’ve ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and  thinking things through, you will love this!

Alarge company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.The  new boss was determined to  get rid of  the company of all slackers.

On atour   of  the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room  was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant  business.  He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much  money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I  make$400 a week.

Why?

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want  to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?”From across the room came a voice,

“Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

THE YEAR 1907- WHAT ABOUT INDIA!!!

THE YEAR 1907-WHAT A DIFFERNCE CENTURY MAKES AND THIS WILL SURELY
BOGGLE YOUR MIND.HERE ARE SOME STATISTICS OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO.
* The average expectancy of LIFE in the U.S A. was 47 years old.
* Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had BATHTUB.
* Only 8 percent of the homes had telephone.
* A three minute call from Denver to New York city cost $11 per minute.
* There was only 8,000 in the U.S and only 144 miles of PAVED ROADS.
* The maximum speed was 10 miles per hour in most cities.
* With a population of 1.4 million people,CALIFORNIA was 21st most
populous state.
* The average WAGE of a worker was 22 cents per hour and annual income
was between $200 and $400.Accountant’s income was about $2000. per
year and DENTIST’s income was around $2500. per year.
* A VETERINARIAN’s income was $1500 per year and machanical engineer’s
income was $5,000. per year.
* More than 95 percent of all BIRTHS in the U.S took place at HOME.
* NINETY PERCENT OF ALL U.S. DOCTORS HAD NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!!!!
* Instead, they attended so-called medical SCHOOLS, many of which WERE
  CONDEMNED IN THE PRESS AND THE GOVERNMENT AS “SUBSTANDARD”.

ડાઈનોસોર પાર્કમાં

ગાઈડ

આજથી કરોડો વરસ પહેલાં અહીં ડાઈનોસોર ચાલેલાં તેનાં પગલાં જુઓ.

નાની નયના

અરે વાહ! હાઈવેની બાજુમાં ઉભેલા ડાઈનોસોરને ગાડીઓ જોવાની કેવી મજા આવતી હશે નહીં !