LITTLE JOHNNIE IS AT IT AGAIN!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by  saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a  few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see  you standing there all by yourself!”

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothedcold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself  beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream  with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention  in class. She called on him and said,

 ”Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of  the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture  and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. “Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

 Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

 He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his  hands up  and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and  in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think th UPS guy wants to buy my mom!!!

The Pope and the Rabbi

 Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave ItalyThere was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.  He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.  If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy . If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged,but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate.  However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a ”silent” debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other.  The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
Next…the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten… that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy 
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
 I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue.
Meanwhile..the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe. “Howdid you win the debate?” they asked“I haven’t a clue,” said Moshe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger!
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him we’re staying right here.”
 ”And then what?” asked a woman.
 “Who knows? ” said Moshe, “He took out his lunch. So I took out mine”.

HA..HA…HA.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the Kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over.Nobody was home!

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.

“My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

Worth a Smile !!

After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an “A” for the
exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 25year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neitherlegal, nor logical.”