Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her,
“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.!!
Categories: English
FOUR FRIENDS who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the> Successes of our sons. ..What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said: “What a shame…What a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”
Categories: English
ONE LATE NITE LILA WAS TAKING BUBBLE BATH WITH HER BODY GUARD.
HER HUSBAND WAS OUT TO WORK. HUSBAND CAME HOME EARLY AND SAW HIS WIFE WITH THE BODY GUARD.
HE WAS MAD…UPSET SAID,”LILA WHAT IS THIS?”
LILA SAID, ” I WAS SCARED TO BATH ALONE AT LATE NIGHT.”
Categories: English
સુરેશ એકવાર કથા સાંભળતા રડવા માંડ્યો.
કથાપુરી થયા પછી મહેન્દ્ર મહારાજ થી ના રોકાવાયું ને બધાની વચ્ચે સુરેશને કહે.
ભાઈ સુરેશ કેમ રડતા હતા.આ શું ધન્ધો માંડ્યો છે? તમે તો એન્જીનિય સાહેબ છો!
સુરેશે જવાબ આપતા કહયું. આતો રાજેન્દ્ર ડોકટર.. મંદિરમાં ગયેલો.તેને રાવણ બાવાના રુપે ભિક્ષા લેવા આવી ને મા સીતાનું હરણ કરેલ!!!ની વાત સાંભળેલ ને મને કહેલ.
એજ વાત તમે છેડી ને હરણ પછી મા સીતાને અશોક વાટીકામાં રાક્ષશો માં રાખી ને દુ:ખી કરી….
પણ હરણમાંથી સીતા ક્યારે બની એ વાત કેમ પડતી મુંકી!
એ ના કહ્યું ને કથાપુરી કરી.
એના દુ:ખેજ આ બે આંસુ પડી ગયા !
Categories: આજની જોક
સુરેશ એકવાર ખેતરમાં ઝાડે થી ઝાડે નિસરણી મુકી પંખીના માળા ફેરવતો જોતા ખેડુતે રોક્યો ને પુછયું?
અલ્યા સુરેશભાઈ!! આ શું ધન્ધો માંડ્યો છે? તમે તો એન્જીનિય સાહેબ છો!
સુરેશે જવાબ આપતા કહયું…આતો રાજેન્દ્ર ડોકટર..હરે કૃષ્ણના ઈસકોન મંદિરમાં લંડન ગયેલો ને પ્રભુપાદ સ્વામીને સાંભળેલા.મહારાજ જેને ચેલો બનાવે તેને માળા આપી કહે હવે સોળ માળા રોજ ફેરવજો!
હુ પણ આજથી સોળ માળા ફેરવાનું વ્રત કરીને બેઠો છું…
હજી બે માળા બાકી છે.
તમને કંઈ દેખાય છે તો કહો. મારે સમય બચે ને તમારે મારી ચિંતા પડવાની ના કરવી પડે!!
Categories: આજની જોક
Categories: આજની જોક
Only in Florida
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, ‘Are you a stranger here?’
He replies, ‘I lived here years ago.’
‘So, where were you all these years?’
‘In prison,’ he says.
‘Why did they put you in prison?’
He looked at her, and very quietly said, ‘I killed my wife.’
‘Oh!’ said the woman. ‘So you’re single…’
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another two elderly people living in Clearwater Assisted Living, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, ’Will you marry me?’
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration’, she answered ‘Yes. Yes, I will!’
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. ‘Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?'
He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, ‘When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?
He was delighted to hear her say, ‘Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.’ Then she continued, ‘I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.’
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.
It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘ Twelve thirty.’
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic to get a physical .
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,’ Morris replied.
To which doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that, Morris. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, be careful!’
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper’, an ice cream parlor in Pinellas Park,
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘arthritis’…
Categories: English
EHSAAN QURAISI
Ek din, main Delhi pahuncha,
Station pe ek coolie se bahar jane ka rasta pooncha.
Coolie ne kaha: “Bahar jaake poocho.”
Maine khud hi rasta dhundh liya, Bahar jaake taxiwale se pooncha:
“Bhai saab Lal Kile ka kitna loge?”
Jawab mila: “Bechna nahi hai.”
Taxi chod, maine bus pakad li, Conductor se pooncha: “Ji, kya mein
cigarette pi sakta hoon?”
Wo gurrra kar bola: “Hargiz nahi, yaha cigarette pina mana hai.”
Maine kaha: “Par wo janab to pi rahe hai!”
Phir se gurrrraya: “Usne mujhse pooncha nahi hai.”
Lal Kile pahucha, hotel gaya.
Manager se kaha: “Mujhe room chahiye, satvi manzil pe.”
Manager ne kaha: “Rahane ke liye ya koodne ke liye?”
Room pahucha, waiter se kaha: “Ek paani ka gilas milega?”
Usne jawab diya: “Nahi sahab, yahan to saare kanch ke milte hain.”
Lal Kile pahucha, hotel gaya.
Manager se kaha: “Mujhe room chahiye, satvi manzil pe.”
Manager ne kaha: “Rahane ke liye ya koodne ke liye?”
Room pahucha, waiter se kaha: “Ek paani ka gilas milega?”
Usne jawab diya: “Nahi sahab, yahan to saare kanch ke milte hain.”
Hotel se nikla, dost ke ghar jaane ke liye,
Raste me ek sahab se pooncha: “Janab, ye sadak kaha ko jaati hai?”
Janab hans kar bole: “Peechle bees saal se dekh rahan hoon,Yahi padi hai… kahin nahin jaati.”Dost ke ghar pahucha, to mujhe dekhte hi chownkpada, Usne poocha: “Kaise aana hua?”
Ab tak to mujhe bhi aadat pad gayi thi,
Maine bhi jawab diya: “Train se.”
Meri aaobhagat karne ke liye dost ne apni biwi se kaha: “Areeee sunti ho… mera dost pehli baar ghar aaya hai, Uuse kuch taja taja khilao.”
Sunte hi bhabhiji ne ghar ki sari khidkiya aur darwaje khol diye.
Kaha: “Taji hawa kha lijiye.”
Dost ne phir se baday pyar se biwi se kaha:
“Areeee sunti ho, inhe jara apna chalis saal purana
aachar to dikhana.”
Bhabiji ek baatli me rakha aachar le aayi. Maine bhi apnapan dikhate hue bhabiji se kaha:”Bhabhiji, aachar sirf dikhayengi, chakhayengi nahi?”
Bhabiji ne taak jawab diya: “Yuhi agar sab ko chakhatiTo aachar chalis saal purana kaise hota?”
Thodi der baad dekha, bhabiji apne potey ko sula rah thi,
Saath me lori bhi ga rahi thi:”Diploma so ja, diploma so ja.”
Lori soon mein hairan hua aur dost se poocha:”Yaar, ye diploma kya hai?”
Dost ne jawab diya: “Mere grandson ka naam,
Beti bambai gayi thi, diploma lene ke liye Aur saath mein ise le aayi, Isiliye hamne iska naam Diploma rakh diya.”
Phir maine pooncha: “Aajkal tumhari beti kya kar rahi hai?”
Dost ne jawab diya: “Bambai gayi hai, degree lene ke liye
Categories: English
*I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off
the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her
and I asked her not to do that. ‘Why?’ my daughter asked. ‘Because it’s been
on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has
germs’ I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.’ I was thinking quickly. ‘All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test.
You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.’
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new
information.
‘OH…I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you
have to be the dad.
”Exactly’ I replied back with a big smile on my face. *
———————————————————————————————————
**The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and
write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.“Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but
not necessary that you show it……..”
Categories: English
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR FATHER’S NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT DOSE THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE : METRIC PASS
OFFICER : WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : AND WHAT DOSE THAT MEAN?
CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE : MAGNANIM OUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW
CANDIDATE MY PERFORMANCE. …?
OFFICER : M P!!!!
CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR?
OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURED
Categories: English
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