1. Only a man would buy a clinker of $500 car and put a $4000 expensive stereo in it
2. All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.
3. Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she’s ignoring him.
4. Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
5. We try to keep him out of the kitchen. Last time he cooked, he burned the salad.
6. Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
“My wife and I share the cleaning of our grandchild’s dirty diapers
50/50 …She takes the first 5 years and I take the rest!”
Q: Why do men prefer blondes?
A: Men always like intellectual company.
Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q: Why do men like love at first sight?
A: It saves them a lot of time.
Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
A: They stay stuck in adolescence.
Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half of the time.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE … He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: (1) A dog is always happy to see you; (2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do much better.
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Q: What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name
Q: What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
A: “My wife says…”
Q: Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Q: What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A: A tourist.
Q: How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
A: Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: “What men know about women.”
Q: What is the thickest book in the world?
A: “What Men Think They Know About Women.”
Q: What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: What is a man’s idea of doing housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can’t believe a word they say.
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.
Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Q: Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A: So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: What’s the difference between a man and a parrot?
A: You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
Q: How do men define insomnia?
A: Waking up every few days.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Q: What did God say after she made Eve?
A: “Practice makes perfect.”
Q: How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A: We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.
Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q: When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A: (1) When he has a new car; (2) When he has a new wife.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What’s the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.
Q: Why did God make men smell so bad?
A: So that blind women can hate them too.
Q: Why won’t real men admit to injury?
A: Because they’re afraid of being returned as damaged goods.
Q: What is the one thing men never want to admit to women?
A: That they are always right!
