AFTER VISITING USA…..

Top 21 things an Indian does after returning to India from USA

 21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.

20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.

19. Sprays duo such so that he doesn’t need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says ‘Excuse me’.

17. Says “Hey” instead of “Hi”.

Says “Yogurt” instead says “Curds”.

Says “Cab” instead of “Taxi”.

Says “Candy” instead of “Chocolate”.

Says “Cookie” instead of “Biscuit”.

Says “Free Way” instead of “Highway”.

Says “got to go” instead of “Have to go”.

Says “Oh” instead of “Zero”, (for 704, says

Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four) 16. Doesn’t forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs) 14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats “Zee” several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)

11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says “Oh! British Style!!!!”

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about “Jet Lag”.

8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.

7. Tries to drink “Diet Coke”, instead of Normal Coke.

6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.

5. Pronounces “schedule” as “skejule”, and “module” as “mojule”.

4. Looks speciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

Few more important

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.

Ultimate one

1. Tries to begin conversation with “In US ….” or “When I was in US…”

MURPHY LAWS

 MurphyLaws

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Shoe Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Obsolescency Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

YOU KNOW !

 You know you are Asian when..When you tell your parents you got 98%, and they ask you what happened to the other two percent.

* There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.
* You make tea in a saucepan.
* You never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it.
* You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.
* You have a ‘Singer Brother’ sewing machine at home.
* Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn’t talk to her for ten years.
* You call an older person you’ve never met before “uncle”.
* You hide everything from your parents.
* Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
* You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
* Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
* Everyone is a family friend.
* Everyone always called you for help on homework.
* You study law, medicine or engineering at university.
* You were thick so you studied computer science or business instead.
* You know no one who has studied music.
* You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
* You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
* Your best friend got married at the age of 18.
* You eat onions with everything.
* You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.
* You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
* You say you hate Indian films/songs but secretly watch/hear them
* You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.
* You always say “open the light” instead of “turn the light on”.
* You secure your baggage with a rope.
* You’re walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.
* You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight. *You go back to your parents’ country and people treat you like a member of the royal family.

* You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school. * You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go
* When you were little you always wondered why your English friends waited until after breakfast to brush their teeth when you did it first thing in the morning
* To your English friends, oil is used purely for
cooking and not as a grooming aid
* Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop when trying to read their names
* You have annoying nicknames like Chotu or Chicku
* Your parents call all your friends “Beta” (son/daughter)
* Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds
* Your parents drink 3 cups of tea a day
* Your parents compare you to all of their friends’ kids.
* At least once a week your mom says, “I want to go to India”
* No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.
* Your parents worry what other people will think if you’re not going to be a doctor/ engineer.
* You’re parent’s always say while shopping abroad, “It’s cheaper in India”

READ AND ANSWER

 

First have your opinion and see the real answers

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:  Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:  He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C:  He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first… no peeking, no cheating. Then scroll down for the response.

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Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES . . .

. . . you just killed Beethoven – Greatest Musician.

Pretty interesting isn’t it? 

 

Makes us think before judging someone. 

FIVE SURGEONS

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best   patients to operate on.
 The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside  is numbered.”
The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a  few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and  the head and the ass are interchangeable.  

Interesting Facts…

Interesting Facts – makes good reading!

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have  “the rule of thumb”

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled“Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered

into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38 %

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

San Francisco  Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David

Hearts – Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds – Julius Caesar

>111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in

the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in

the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If

the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,

John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2,

but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father’s Day

Mattress were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed

firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a

month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law

with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because

their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,

which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old

England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them

“Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.”

It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into

the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,

they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the

phrase inspired by this practice.

INDIAN HELL

 Indian Hell….An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks “What do they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the
USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German>hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?”
He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.  Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of  the day.”

“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in? “Because maintenance is so bad >that>>the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria…”
 

WHY INDIAN IS SHINING !!!

Why India Shining

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your Business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow “$5,000″

The Indian replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return’”

Ah, the mind of the Indian…

This is why India is shining !!!

The Amazing Race

The Amazing RaceA Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors)
decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before
the race. On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile. The Americans,very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. An  Action Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American’s rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering Supervisors, 3 Area Steering Superintendents and 1 Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called The “Rowing Team Quality First Program,” with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes And other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses and
the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

WIFE

 Its all about Wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met .
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”

I asked her, “Where’s the car?”

She replied, “In the lake.“
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
 

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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: “You can have mine.”
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It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.
 

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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I’m half dead.”
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The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once .