હાસ્ય દરબાર

There was this news that 200 sardars are killed in a train accident at the station. Only one Sardar left alive.The correspondent goes to the Sardarji and the conversation between them goes as follows: Correspondent: How did this happen?

Two people to blame for world cup failure?

1. Indira Gandhi (for creating Bangladesh )

2. Hanuman (for not destroying Lanka completely)

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things attorneys actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had to suffer from the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:    Now  doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Were  you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:      Would you repeat the  question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:      She had three children,  right?

WITNESS:         Yes.

ATTORNEY:      How many were  boys?

WITNESS:         None.

ATTORNEY:      Were  there any  girls?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    How  was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:       By  death.

ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it  terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:      Can you describe the  individual?

WITNESS:         He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:      Was  this a male or a  female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Do  you recall the time that you examined  the body?

WITNESS:      The  autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY:    And  Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing

an  autopsy on him!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a  pulse?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:   Did  you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began  the autopsy?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure,  Doctor?

WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my  desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:    But could the patient have still been  alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot
after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,

” You know my parents are forcing me to get married

to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met
once.

We call this arranged marriage.

I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love…I told them that
openly

and now have a hell lot of family problems.”

The American said, “Talking about love
marriages………………………. I’ll tell you my story. I married
a widow (having a daughter) whom I deeply loved and dated for
3 years. “After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my
step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became
father-in-law of my father. My daughter is my mother and my wife is my
grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my
father’s brother and so he became my uncle. Situations turned worse when
my father had a son . Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my
grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own
grandson. And you say you have family problems…. Give me a break!

Now tell me which is the best?

Subject: few letters….funny!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Just have a look at the English skills of these people.

1. A candidate’s application: “This has reference to your
advertisement calling for a ‘typist and an accountant - Male or
Female’… As I am both for the past several years and I can
handle
both, I am applying for the post.

2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go
to
my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction
me
one week leave.

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
“Since
I’ve to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please
grant me half day casual leave”

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the
headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I
request you
to leave me today”

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend’s
letter
“I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the
school”

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: As my
headache
is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

7. A covering note “I am enclosed herewith…”

8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: As my
mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please
grant
me _ days leave.

9. Actual letter written for application of leave: “My wife is
suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may
be
granted leave”.

10. Letter writing: - “I am in well here and hope you are also
in
the same well.”

 

 DON’T KNOW WHICH DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!

HEALTH QUESTION &ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! … Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the
best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a
ride”.

__,_._,___

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,

“You Can  Be THE  Man of Your House.”

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From  now on, you  need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.”

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 South, just outside of  Washington.

Nothing is moving  North or South.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.  The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What happened? What’s thehold up?”

1. Santa got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket.  He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool.  I have pass.

2. Santa  joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.  Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Santa : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

3. On a romantic day santa’s girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Santa : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

4. Doctor to patient : Y o u will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

5. 2 santa were fixing a bomb in a car.
Santa : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
banta: Dont worry, I have a one more.

6. Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Santa : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
santa : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.

7. Santa was busy removing a wheel from his auto.  A man asks santa why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
santa : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

8. Boss : Where were you born ?
santa :
Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
santa : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.

9.  How will you destroy a submarine full of santas?
Simple.  Just knock the door and they will open it.